I have been disconnected from my own thoughts for a few weeks now. It’s not like I don’t have anything to think about, it’s just that I didn’t have time to put in writing and I honestly didn’t know where to start. Let’s start with why I decided to put all of these in my head and call it what it’s called.
Since I was 27, I have this thing in my head that I could swear that I won’t be involved with anyone. No heart to heart attachment to be precised. I remember being a so called lone ranger where I fulfilled my time only for myself. I thought that was going to be it. But of course, as we grew older and reached certain kind of age, you'll tend to have some kind of fluctuate decision making.
So this few weeks was a shitty week for me. No wait. This whole month. Let me start with how I was kicked from my comfort zone as I having a poor relationship with someone. No wait, not an official relationship, presumably on the dating stage. As lovely of an idea it may seem, I knew that one day I will leave that zone and come out to the surface to do my thing once again. I knew who I was and when I will be gone that person was getting ready to lose me.
I don’t like the idea of me pushing myself to the limits, where I spent most of time thinking and prioritize someone, and you didn’t get any reward as a return. Sick! But, that was it. It doesn’t matter how I self-proclaimed myself as a happy single man (at least it stand for a couple of years) I finally lost in tracked. Finally!
I neither like the idea of having no future in any relationship. The rule is simple. Once, you jumped into any kind of relationship, make the best out of it! Your insecurities about your own future is very much a pretty little liar. People makes excuses when they are not fully committed to things they’ve already started. If you have no guarantee, why started? Life isn’t eternity, at the end of the day every each of us will go through the same boring chapter.
I also not fancy a kind of idea where you have to play dishonest so that you won’t hurt anyone. Seriously? Honesty is always the best policy, regardless of the fact how hurt the reality will be.
Maybe I don’t understand that by keeping away your emotions is the best way to live life. There are certain things in life was designed not to be disclose. Unfortunately, my maturity doesn’t recall such idea.
Or maybe one day you’ll understand the urgency to fulfill you empty heart when you reach certain kind of life and age. Eventually, you’ll understand!
But I wasn’t that mean to put a blame to someone without prejudice. I know how hard it takes by having such a complicated person like me. Me being complicated? Maybe, if you understand the context of being honesty, I won’t pursue such attitudes.
All the lies you created with or without my acknowledgment, don’t matter to me at all. What’s matter the most is when you keep me on hold, even till today.
It's forgiven but not forgotten.
Nevertheless, see you when I see you!