Notte

Kebiasaanya malam-malam begini, kehidupanku akan ditemani oleh text-text manja dari kamu. Kau menurutku, gemar bercerita hal personal kau sama aku.

Kemungkinan aku juga pendengar yang setia, jadi kimia di antara kita makin membuak-buak.

Pernah beberapa kali aku kangen untuk mewarna. Adults colouring book itu sampai tersidai di atas robok milik ku.

Masih aku ingat, kau memberi respon akan hasil warnain aku.

Kaler harus hanya pada satu arah.

Jangan tekan kuat sangat.

Aku mencebik karena bukan itu respon yang aku pinta.

Bukan aku tak pernah lihat hasil warnain kamu.

Compang-camping!

Pemalas, karena engkau gemar melangkau dari satu sempadan ke sempadan lain tanpa menghiraukan garisan yang dilukis.

At least, I’m still far away better at this.

Vagueness

Antara hari-hari yang paling aku takut, adalah hari minggu tanpa mu.
Till date, I seriously have no idea as to why I have to stress out myself until that extent.

Pernah aku stalk status whatsapp, Online. Tapi tiada khabar kepadaku.
Sementelah aku, meletak harapan akan pengkhabaran dari mu, seperti biasa kamu lakukan during weekdays.

Kamu bilang, handphone isn't your priority ketika keluar bersama teman.

Aku tidak mengerti sama sekali.
Takkan lah kamu tidak ada walaupun sesaat untuk aku?

Namun, itu yang aku pelajari selama ini.

Sesetengah dari kita perlukan ruang untuk diri sendiri.

Ruang untuk bernapas.
Ruang untuk tidak memberi perhatian kepada manusia yang ada di hatimu.
Ruang untuk tidak memberi pengkhabaran akan aktiviti harian mu.
Ruang untuk berehat dari memikirkan mu buat seketika.

I understood.

Berbeda sama aku.

Ruang itu telah aku tutup rapat-rapat, karena telah di isi oleh kamu.

That Eyebrow di pertemuan pertama

Sengaja aku pilih hari ahad kerana hari isnin aku harus ke kantor jadi tidak berpeluang untuk mengatur pertemuan pada ulang tahun kelahiran mu. Jadi tengah hari ahad itu aku telah aturkan untuk ketemu.

Aku jadi buntu pada pertemuan pertama. Apa yang bisa aku lakukan bersama dia. Apakah santapan tengah hari kami nanti.

Dia tidak putus-putus menghantar pesanan, takut.
Aku membalas, I dont eat people.
Lucu, menurutku.

Setelah menunggu hampir 10 minit, kami ketemu.

Dia mengendong toiletries bag jenama PA. Aku respon, same like mine. Ayat yang pertama muncul dari mulut ini.

Kami langsung meluncur ke SS15 Courtyard, tempat di mana aku biasa hang out. Familiar, jadi mudah untuk aku merencanakan perjalananku.

Dia memesan Cantonese Fried Rice (kalau tidak salah) dan aku memesan wantan noodle soup.

Why does the food taste bad? We both agreed.

Aku merenung ke matanya. Arghh, that eyebrow !

See you when I see you!

I have been disconnected from my own thoughts for a few weeks now. It’s not like I don’t have anything to think about, it’s just that I didn’t have time to put in writing and I honestly didn’t know where to start. Let’s start with why I decided to put all of these in my head and call it what it’s called.

Since I was 27, I have this thing in my head that I could swear that I won’t be involved with anyone. No heart to heart attachment to be precised. I remember being a so called lone ranger where I fulfilled my time only for myself. I thought that was going to be it. But of course, as we grew older and reached certain kind of age, you'll tend to have some kind of fluctuate decision making.

So this few weeks was a shitty week for me. No wait. This whole month. Let me start with how I was kicked from my comfort zone as I having a poor relationship with someone. No wait, not an official relationship, presumably on the dating stage. As lovely of an idea it may seem, I knew that one day I will leave that zone and come out to the surface to do my thing once again. I knew who I was and when I will be gone that person was getting ready to lose me.

I don’t like the idea of me pushing myself to the limits, where I spent most of time thinking and prioritize someone, and you didn’t get any reward as a return. Sick! But, that was it. It doesn’t matter how I self-proclaimed myself as a happy single man (at least it stand for a couple of years) I finally lost in tracked.  Finally!

I neither like the idea of having no future in any relationship. The rule is simple. Once, you jumped into any kind of relationship, make the best out of it! Your insecurities about your own future is very much a pretty little liar. People makes excuses when they are not fully committed to things they’ve already started. If you have no guarantee, why started? Life isn’t eternity, at the end of the day every each of us will go through the same boring chapter.

I also not fancy a kind of idea where you have to play dishonest so that you won’t hurt anyone. Seriously? Honesty is always the best policy, regardless of the fact how hurt the reality will be.

Maybe I don’t understand that by keeping away your emotions is the best way to live life. There are certain things in life was designed not to be disclose. Unfortunately, my maturity doesn’t recall such idea.

Or maybe one day you’ll understand the urgency to fulfill you empty heart when you reach certain kind of life and age. Eventually, you’ll understand!

But I wasn’t that mean to put a blame to someone without prejudice. I know how hard it takes by having such a complicated person like me. Me being complicated? Maybe, if you understand the context of being honesty, I won’t pursue such attitudes.

All the lies you created with or without my acknowledgment, don’t matter to me at all. What’s matter the most is when you keep me on hold, even till today.

It's forgiven but not forgotten.

Nevertheless, see you when I see you!

Back from the dead

Right this very moment, my buddies and I are sitting at Starbucks with only one drink . One drink for me and the others didn’t dare to buy coffee since we just had an expensive Italian dinner earlier.

Why am I here? Because I don’t have internet connection at home anymore. My neighborhood area does not have any available port on the wireless connection, hence I'm stuck using my mobile data.

Starbucks, any Starbucks always make me nervous. I don’t know why. When asking for drinks, I’m scared I would say the wrong things, spill the coffee or even trip on my imaginary.

Why do people need to drink fancy named coffee’s anyway? I thought. But then again, why do I like drinking fancy named coffee? Even if it tastes like shit, I would still order because the names sound so tempting. Who wouldn’t want it?

It’s something about me and drinks. I don’t drink while I eat but I still order because everyone has a drink and I tend to order eventhough I will only drink it when the ice has melted.

I don’t know much about coffee to be honest but I loved them, still do. But I was not brought up in a house where drinking coffee on daily basis was normal. All I know is that I love Cappuccino , Caramel latte and Mocha. Maybe those are the only drinks that I knew.

Normally, when a guy moved to another dimension of his life, he will dream of the good times he will have with his bunch of friends, family and also with his gf..

Me, on the other hand, was excited to know that there's no particular person wanted to come to my heart and I had the good times for myself and do my stuff. But as time goes by, I realized I needed someone to fulfill my empty heart considering the fact that I never have someone that I can call 'the other half'.

Last few months, in an attempt to replace the empty heart that I had since ever, I have been asking myself if I'm ready enough to convert my life to something that I never imagine. Anyone around me was so excited that I finally making a changes - life changing experiences I would say.

As hard was it to believe I was ready to declare, it was even harder for me to believe that I actually wanted someone out of nowhere. I’ve had many experiences with people with different background and attitude but this one hit me like a big stone!

What most people don’t know is that, I’m a very loving person. I may appear like a typical arrogant guy but I could also be the most loving boyfriend ever. I love to travel since the world is too big to be explored. I don't eat expensive food and had a good relationship with my family, even sometimes we fought over stupid politician in Malaysia. When I love someone or something, I give them my 100%.

What people also don’t know is that whatever plan,thoughts or whatever that I've planned..will faded eventually. People say I’m cursed. I don’t believe so eventhough the cardio machine I just bought at lazada few months ago is dying dramatically by the side of my bed as I’m writing now. Maybe this one is different. I believe that person could increase my happiness level by 100% :)

But time has traveled itself to a darker side. Sad. Heart breaking to know the feedback.

I admit, I judged. And then God said "you judged so I give you a lil something". He gave me something alright.

I then had to jump once again onto my time travel machine to try to remember how I was back then when I was all alone.

Moving on from a from a person does not mean anything unless you really are happy at where you are, who you're with and not for a second you ever wish to be back there.

InsyaAllah :)

The worst lie ever !

Last weekend, I had a conversation with my childhood friend who has been disappeared from my life for about 7 years. She’s a good looking girl probably the prettiest girl in Subang, educated, attractive but unfortunately still single.

She told me 4 months ago she met a guy in her social media account. It doesn't make any sense as the matter of fact that social media could turned her life, but it happened! She admitted that she don’t particularly date the guy but day by day, week by week she realized that she felt over him. Apparently, it didn't come to her knowledge about the guy’s background and everything seems so perfect until she crossed the line.

Finally, the alarm ring! 

The guy told her that he was attached to someone! 

She lost her mind as she realized that the whole idea of meeting him is a crapped and yeah, the guy doesn't have any feeling towards her. Perfect nightmare!

She admitted that she was too young and immature of letting her heart fell for someone.

Social media is freaking crapped. We agreed!

She moved on now, stronger and hotter. I believe one of the hottest chicks I've ever seen in Subang.

I told her that you deserve someone better out there. 

and my cliche motivational words, ‘Love is unpredictable’ but she told me that's the worst lie ever !

September 2014

Basically, we travel our journey of time when we have nothing to do. Sitting by the window with a cup of coffee and a book in our hand and when the coffee gets cold, we find ourselves in the past, thinking of how it could lead to this, here and now.

I am here for a reason as I’m very much ignorance to this space. These days, I don’t seems to focus on my journey of life which well written in the past. I have everything on the tracked, Alhamdulillah. I reminisced the good times I had when nobody’s bothering my heart. The time when I met so many rock stars in the outer space and leading me to happiness.

Let’s travel to the time when being alone was fun, when there were no self-emotional involved. Maybe there were but I was just too drugged up to my own life and I couldn't remember it at all. The only thing I could think on that period is to list down my travel wish list and get the best out of it. I remember going to office to finish my daily task, to gym when time and self-energy permitted and spending time with a bunch of buddies on weekend. I usually will spend my quality time with my parent right after I reach home after working hours. I am happily attached to them since I was little and the quick catching-up session on daily basis would be the only moment that I could give as a son. Natural love, effortless. It just fell into place.

Day by day, night by night I realized that the patterns are there to be broken without having a proper preparation. Little did I know that I never really wanted what I wanted. I don’t mean I wanna it to be that way but I just want everything to be as it was.

But something happened and yes, it mattered.

I never hesitated to follow where exactly my heart is heading to as I will make and run my decision from what I see on the obvious.

I’ve written many times about my struggles in life and how many things that have happened to me. I have gone back and read some of my older blogs and I have seen my growth.

This time I should treasure what life is all about.

That was it.

Over all, this year is looking very promising for me and I can’t wait to spend the rest of the year and the years to come with more travel plan. Amin